8. October 2024

A simple method for more effective conflict talks

from Lyn von der Laden 

 (You can find the German version of this article here.)

Effective collaboration requires a good conflict culture. And a good conflict culture needs both individual conflict skills and meaningful formats for regular peer feedback and ‘conflict hygiene’. And to develop all of this, time and attention are needed.

But... no matter where you personally stand with your conflict skills, no matter where you stand as a company with your conflict culture: the following method helps you to immediately conduct a conflict conversation in a more relaxed and successful way. And it's quite simple 😊

It works as follows:

1)    Person A talks about the conflict from their perspective (up to 5 minutes).

2)    Person B then summarises what they have heard. This is not about reproducing everything word for word, but rather about the essence of what has been said

3)    Person A says whether this is what they wanted to say. If person B has not reproduced something correctly or has left out something important, person B can now do so. The process only continues if person A feels that person B has heard them.

Now, person A and B go through points 1-3 again in reverse roles.

Typically, this process is repeated a few times. The method automatically shifts the focus to mutual understanding rather than a ‘who's right?’ discussion.
In my experience, this method often automatically leads to solutions. Particularly when people have really taken the time to understand each other, solutions can often be developed comparatively easily. Sometimes, however, mutual understanding is enough to resolve a conflict.

Why is this method so helpful?

·      A typical characteristic of conflicts is that we do not feel understood by the other person – but we want to be understood. This method fulfils the need for understanding and we are more open to the other person's perspective.

·      Furthermore, in conflicts it is easy for us to be so absorbed by our unpleasant feelings that it is difficult for us to really perceive what the other person is actually concerned about. It can then quickly happen that we misunderstand the person. A vicious circle arises. By using the structure above, we interrupt this cycle.

·      As mentioned above, this approach often makes it easier to find solutions, and these are also more effective. This is because they are then based on a deep, shared understanding of the conflict situation.

·      Even though hardly anyone likes to have conflict talks, the methodology helps us to learn something about each other and to feel seen by the other person. This helps to make our relationship more resilient and often also deeper in the future.

Even though I have been researching feedback and conflict culture in different contexts and honing my own conflict skills for many years, this simple method is definitely one of my favourite tools.

I wish you every success in trying it out!

Would you like to strengthen your feedback and conflict culture in your team or organisation and would you like support in doing so? Then feel free to contact me. With my skills in (business) psychology, non-violent communication and nervous system research, I can help you develop feedback and conflict skills, establish helpful methods and formats, and, if needed, mediate in conflict discussions.

(Photo by Guilia May on Unsplash)

About Lyn von der Laden

As a Collaboration Coach & Consultant, I help teams and organisations to work together effectively, adaptably and joyfully. I also regularly write about topics close to my heart, e.g. self-organisation, psychological safety or the importance of the nervous system for effective teamwork. You can find previously published articles here. I am based in Dresden, Germany.